Humour In Verse

Name change

Struth there's no exaggeration in anything I say Not even of the 20ft mullet, the one that got away I'm almost an Aussie with a dog called Blue It comes so natural spinning a yarn or two Can't afford membership to join the whoppers club
So I'll meet the boys for a session at the local pub
We'll talk about the old days long gone by
While they rib me that I�m not a �Dinky Di' Can't help it if I came from a country called Iraq Now that I'm here I plan to leave my mark
I'll start a rumour going 'like kids overboard It'll cause such a commotion forgive me lord That almost cured my compulsion wanting to fib
I've changed my name to Tom from Mohamid Habib.

First car

Young boys dream of owning a car
Growing up that dream seem too far
Dad says save so I must get a job
Scrimping and scraping to get a few bob
Pushing trolleys and serving in a shop
To buy a bomb my spending must stop
Now we are off to visit a used car yard
Gosh choosing one is just so hard
Am I ready ? I really don't know
Considering costs savings too slow
Dad, think I'll wait a little longer if you like
And continue riding my old push bike

Pauline Hansen one of a kind
Says exactly what's on OUR mind
Fearless of any repercussion
Mountains made of every discussion
That one comment "please explain"
Caused her embarrassment & pain

How ever did that name come to be
A market where you can buy a flea
A dog aint a dog if he aint got none
Scratching and biting is half the fun
If your pooch has none & feels left out
Off to the flea market Dad it's your shout
Buy them bulk for your canine and cat
Pets both happy can't complain about that
Off to the vets for its annual check
Mum buys a flea collar for its neck
Washes and dips him poor old mut
Out with the shears his coat to cut
Fleas jump off now a new host to find
Dad was just trying to be kind

Seasonal workers
Here for a reason
Mango picking
It's the season Lots of money
There to be made
First get out of the sun
And into the shade
Weeks of bending
Aches and strain
Sap burns everywhere
Its' worth the pain Yummy ripe mangoes
I'll protect the whole lot Watch out you bats
Or you'll get shot Take one more bite
It will be the last straw
Trees now all empty
HA! No more for bats to gnaw

Psychologist

If you try and psycho analyse
What is on my mind
You will be disappointed
For nothing will you find
I'm so angry and confused
I'm neither here nor there
Eighty bucks an hour
I feel I've been used
I'll pay in coins you silly old grouch
I didn't even get to lie on your couch

Within my wallet the cash flow wealth
Can be gauged by my hubbies health
He goes to the doctor and pays the account
I go to medicare & can only claim half the amoun

Up the spout

Ipsy wipsey spider climbed up the water spout
Big green frog says I'd best bail out
I'll not share my home that's for sure
With no hairy black arachnid bore

Modern technology how I do moan
I sit and concentrate then I groan
Pressed the wrong button screen goes blank
Call the kids you'll have them to thank
For getting you right back on track
Curse yourself for knowledge you lack
"Mum just watch it's easy as hell"
By your blank look they can surely tell
You have missed it again back to square one
That's the first lesson is turning the bloody thing on

Off to the tip to find a bargain
Something quirky for the garden
Statue or flower pot is what I want
Maybe I'll find an old baptismal font
Make a birdbath and fill it with water
After I've used it to christen my daughter

Phone fax or now you can text
What ever will they think of next
From smoke signals to message stick
To writing letters with a stamp to lick
Still nothing like talking face to face
Can spread gossip with such grace
Then again when your'e home alone
You can talk for hours on the phone
Think I'll learn the old fashioned way
Then I wont have a bloody big bill to pay

Clucky hen sitting on her nest
Lovely eggs nine of the best
Wouldn't hatch no cheep cheep
So I stole them for my compost heap

When digging in the compost pile
I swear I saw at silly chook smile
The eggs had been buried for so long
Bang they exploded boy what a pong

Flies arrived with such speed
Invaded my space so I agreed
To let them have it that was the deal
The smell to them had more appeal

Flies stayed and buzzed all around
As I dug the eggs back into the ground
They'll do the job and make plants grow
The stupid hen need never know

She cackles and squawks & carries on
Don't want her to think she has won
The noise & mess is still bugging me
Think I'll go bake her for my tea

If I visit a friend for an idle chatter
Waste some time it doesn't matter
The housework will still always be there
Although this to me just doesn't seem fair
I'll try ignoring it like the rest of the mob
Dirty dishes not done & I look like a slob
Got that off my chest and I've had my say
If a slave they want they better give me some pay

Is there such as an ideal man
One who helps the missus when he can
Defrosts the fridge vaccies the house
Other men would call him a louse
For showing them up with his expertise
Making them look bad if you please

Long skinny short or fat
Bandy crooked as a cat
Shapely & leggy like a star
Any shape will take you far
Old ones young ones & in between
Ones in stockings with a crooked seam
Some with ugly black varicose veins
Wide enough to drive two trains
Hairless long & thin I do crave
No matter the type you still have to shave

All dried up

Golly gosh darn and consarn
Clara cows' escaped from the barn
Nan needs milk for her cuppa tea
But Clara's udder is dry & empty
She left the barn feeling humiliated
That store bought stuff is over rated
Option is to eat more green grass
And let the milkman kiss her arse

Drugs and cigarettes are for mugs
Grog transforms some into thugs
Waste of money waste of life
All will get you into strife

On and off on and off
Gotta quit smoking
Cough cough cough
Only one more puff
And that will be it
As if that will happen
What a load of ****

Warning on packets rather terse
Give me more oxygen please nurse
One last cry as they wheel me out
Just another cigarette I shout

I can quit I know I can
I also believe in the boogie man
Label says bad for health
Wasted money spent all my wealth

Just one more fag before I go
Priests ready for the big show
Everyone is there to say goodbye
Tears flow as they all weep & cry

All the years of everyone scoffin
About each cig being a nail in my coffin
Oh well it was my life I did plunder
Now I'm headed six foot under

On and off on and off
Gotta quit smoking
Cough cough cough
Only one more puff
And that will be it
As if that will happen
What a load of ****

Growing trees is so hard
White ants are prolific in the yard
They munch, crunch & chomp them down
Come rain wish they would drown
What ever did god have in mind
Thinking they'd be compatible with mankind
Don't think they have one good point
They've almost demolished the whole joint
Pest controller sprays where they may lurk
They love the chemicals it doesn't workf

What prompted me to put pen to pad
Is a subject which makes me so mad
Politicians on their old soap box
With the opposition horns they lock
Making promised they can't keep
While our taxes into govt coffers they heap

Unforgivable

Will you ever forgive and forget
Something I've done I'll always regret
Butcher delivered a lamb leg of loin
I paid him with your fifty cent coin
In 67 you went to hospital to have a kid
Currency changed to a dollar from a quid
Thirty seven years on you still rub it in
Did I commit such a mortal sin
Next time you want me to look after your mob
Think twice cos your coins I might rob

People scratch their head & wonder
About the slang from down under
FROG & TOAD Make a move hit the road
BILLY LIDS my kids
CHEES & KISSES that's my Missus
BUTCHERS HOOK feeling crook
MINCE PIE oh what a tie

School days with the old ink well
Boys squirted the girls who daren't tell
If the teacher knew they'd get six of the best
She'd probably flunk them in their next test
Our pig tails were tied to back of the chair
Discrimination against girls it wasn't fair
We used writing boards made of slate
Drop them and you sure knew your fate
Wasn't long before we had a new caper
Progressed to using pencil and paper
Now this method is almost obsolete
For without a computer educations not complete

Boy what a choice we have to make
When we order coffee or milkshake
Decisions decisions we have to choose
Whatever happened to plain moo juice
Showing control and wish to stay slim
Better stick to drinking watery Trim
Once it was milk in billy cans loaded with cream
Now it's deemed unhealthy but we can dream

Doctors warning they sometimes ignore
Quite indignant they will implore
I love my food and I'll eat what I like
Do no exercise too tired to hike
In denial they say its doing me no harm
Try as they might can't even lift their arm
Cakes lollies and no' no's like that
No wonder they carry extra fat
All they need is another insulin hit
If their Doctor knew he'd have a fit

My name is Vicky
I'm real tricky
Gave myself a hickey
To piss off boyfriend Ricky
Now I feel sicky
And not so tricky
The vacci swallowed me
and I'm one big hickey

My isn't it just so funny
That in almost every dunny
So many can simply ignore
An empty toilet roll laying on the floor
Take time & spare a little thought
Then try being a good sport
Exert yourself don't cause a din
Pick it up & put it in the bloody bin

When a child is born & turns out to be a he
They are taught that Percy is there just to pee
Point Percy to the porcelain yeah that's the way son
You learnt really fast how its done
Through the years things start to change
He realizes Percy has a much wider range
As he gets older & testosterone starts to rise
He knows Percy must be given some exercise
Over time he goes at it hammer & tong
Age creeps up & before too long
Percy no longer salutes to the sky
Frustrations enough to make a grown man cry
Its back once again to splashing the shoes
He lives on memories & sings "Percy porcelain blues"

Every grunt groan ache & pain
Every insect bite & muscle strain
Makes it worthwhile in the long run
So make time to enjoy & have fun

Put on the shoes go for a hike
If that's too hard ride a bike
Long distance or just too far
Take a taxi or drive a car
Sights to see take a bus
There's transport for all of us

No yellow light to say go slow
No green light to say I can go
A blackout in the neighbourhood
Make a dash if only I could
No power to work the traffic light
Have my blinker on to turn right
Traffic is going much too fast
Hope this blackout doesn't last
One brave driver makes a dash
No one gives way & there's a crash

Daihatsu cars are small and cheap
Uses little petrol so can afford upkeep
Can reach roof when I wash the car
Don't have to stretch all that far
No need for a rolls or Custamine
My Daihatsu suits me just fine

Pippi pile appears now & then
Needs ointment or medicine
When passing wind they sort of mime
Play a tune that sounds like a chime
I know not everyone wants to hear
This sad sad story of your rear

Feeling sexy Freddy
Wanna see my teddy
I can see your ready
Now we're going steady

Birds sleep all night long
Come the dawn you hear their song
In a tree or under a log
There's sure to be a big green frog
Croak, Croak, Croak when it's dark
Wish they would go and play in the park

Humour In Verse

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Humour In Verse